Leg Shaving 101

My dear friend Natalie asked me to share my secrets of leg shaving. Now I realize that she was completely joking but since she is a great friend, not to mention one of my first from college I am going to take the time to inform you all of the tricks of the leg shaving trade.

When I meet new people and they notice I have shaved legs they often ask why? As a cyclist I am well versed in the "proper" answers that people buy for their utility value.

Most people think that cyclists shave their legs for aerodynamic purposes. If any cyclist ever tells you this, they are lying. It's been proven that the legs cause too much turbulence for any aerodynamic benefit to be gained in bicycle design, much less in the lack of leg hair.

The most justifiable answer is that when you crash (All cyclist do. If they haven't they don't ride enough. And they certainly don't race.) and you get road rash, clean shaven legs make it possible to clean the exposed wound and with keep your legs from getting infected. Uninfected legs allow you to continue to train or race or be awesome.

But, in reality, none of these things are the real reason that cyclist shave their legs. We shave our legs because it feels better. Guys that have never shaved their legs don't know the euphoria experienced by having hair less legs. If every guy did it just once, I almost guarantee that no guy would ever walk around with legs resembling that of Sasquatch.

So, without further adieu, the tricks of the trade that I have learned over 5 years of shaving the legs.

1) If you are starting with years of growth, don't start with a razor. That's asking for disaster. Use a beard or hair trimmer and don't use a guard. This will get it as short as possible.

2) I used to use whatever I used on my face. I have since learned this is both expensive and useless. I transitioned from shaving gel to conditioner a few years back. Conditioner actually works much better than shaving gel, but I have recently discovered that simple body wash works even better.

2a) Body wash works equally as well as conditioner but saves you time because you can use the loofa (sp?) thing that already has excess body wash in it to lather up your legs and then shave. And, on top of the this, you're legs get washed twice so they're extra clean.

3) Lather one leg at a time. Shave that leg. Rinse. Lather other leg. Shave. Rinse. You should have to repeat.

4) From the ankle to the knee shave against the grain (up). Around the knee shave in whatever direction removes the hair. Above the knee always shave with the grain (varies, but unless you're blind you can figure this out) as this will help you to avoid razor burn and in grown hairs, which are annoying.

5) Lotion. After you are done in the shower, do not forget to use lotion on your freshly shaved legs. This will not only feel good in the long run it will also make them shiny which is sort of a fun side effect.

6) Shaved legs look better if they look as though they've powered bicycles over many many mountains and far forgotten roads. The order of acquiring these miles vs. shaving your legs is always up for debate.

And that, is all I know about shaving your legs.

Fugitive of the Law

Winter riding in the bay area is generally far more pleasant than winter riding on the east coast where it's already so cold that body parts exposed to the air freeze off and die of gang green. Ok, that doesn't really happen, but it's not comfortable.

This morning I went out for a titillating 2 hours of base miles. Bundled up in a set of knee and arm warmers I cranked up the iPod and tried not to think of the monotony ahead. Base miles are important, but that doesn't not make them any less boring to ride.

At almost the exact 1 hour mark where I was going to turn around I ran what was probably the 20th stop sign of the day when I noticed a little kid riding his bike to school was staring at something behind me. When I looked back I was greeted by the familiar welcoming strobe of red and blue lights.

I've actually been pulled over by cops on my bike before. All of the other occasions were during my bike trip and almost all exclusively because I'd get frustrated trying to figure out how to avoid the freeway and just ride on the shoulder instead. But now, without the story of a grand bicycle adventure I wasn't really sure if I would get out of this ticket.

The cop got out of the car smiling and after scolding me for a bit decided he just wanted to chat. He also confused me for a popular cyclist as he told me to inform all of my friends, "If you run a stop sign in Ross you're gonna get a ticket." (Ross is the name of the town, I had no idea.) I assured him I would spread the word. With my heart rate dropping back to sleeping levels he finally ambled back to his car.

I stopped at all the stop signs the other direction. Well, that's not true. I stopped at all the stop signs until I saw a new town limit sign and proceeded as usual to pretty much blow right through them. It's just a lot of trouble to actually stop when there's nothing around. I could write another post on why I think forcing bikes to obey stop signs and stop lights actually makes traffic worse and doesn't increase safety, but, I'm sick of typing.

Durlak, if you read this, I did not get a ticket. I'm sure that infuriates you as you hate all cyclist on the road. So, take that!

A Face of Determination

As promised. A picture of me in the cross race. Oddly enough, my chain never had a problem staying on through this section!

Race Report. Kind of

On Saturday I lined up for my first Cross race. My Fondriest is technically a cross bike even though it's never been ridden by me for that purpose. So, to try and remedy this problem on Friday I picked up a set of insanely cheap cross tires and decided we'd give this cross thing a shot.

It should be noted that I switched this bike down to a single chain ring in the front a long time ago for commuting purposes. This is generally a great set up for Cross racing as a lot of people ride a single ring in the front. However, most of them have bashgaurds (replaces the big ring and keeps the chain from jumping off in that direction) and chain keepers (basically keeps the chain from bouncing off to the inside). I of course had neither and would soon become the point of much comedy, frustration and a general lack of having no idea how I'd actually do in one of these races.

After couple of laps for warming up and dropping the chain about 3 times it was time to line up for the start. Because I was running the flat bars that I have on it for commuting I started closer to the back. I figured my base fitness could help me work my way up through the field and I'd stay out of the way of people who actually knew what they were doing.

The race started really slow and as we went over the first set of rough terrain my chain dropped. I jumped off, at least 15 guys rode past me as I was putting it back on, I "gracefully" got back on and chased to get back in that group. As soon as I made contact my chain dropped again. This time, since the guys didn't have to pass me they were already in front they just rode away. Chasing till I had them about two hairpin turns away and the chain dropped. Now they were basically out of touch when I got the chain back on.

I'll save you the details of every chain drop but it dropped 5 times on the first lap and 17 times total for the race. All was not lost though as I did manage to pull in two fat guys and pass them. Follow this link to the results page, look at the bottom of the Cat C Men and notice my insanely butchered name. I actually won't blame that on the race people, I do write like I'm 5. The name directly below me, Dan White, is my buddy that I convinced to do the race. He finished way ahead of me and actually didn't get lapped by the leaders so they screwed his results up. He was not one of the fat guys that I eventually caught and passed.

http://www.pilarcitos.com/results/CrossResults/2008/SierraPoint.html#Cat%20C%20men

I have a picture that my friend Jill took but I was too lazy to put it onto my computer. Maybe later.

Now I basically have to know how I'd do if I wasn't spending the entire race putting a chain back on. I have ordered all of the stuff necessary to put the bike in an actual cross set up. Let's hope I don't suck under real conditions.

Cyclo-cross

Recently I've had a lot of friends racing cyclo-cross and all of them encourage me to do it. I don't think they do this because they feel I'd be any good at it. I think they mostly just want someone else to suffer as much as they are.

I've really wanted to do it and the only things holding me back are mostly, I don't have a bike, and second, I'm pretty sure after watching the video below that once you do own the bike you are constantly repairing or replacing it or it's parts. That I certainly can't afford.

But, maybe one day. And for the 3 of you who read this and might not know what cyclo-cross is, consider yourself introduced. In reality, it does look like a lot of fun!

Oh College Football

It's that time of the year again where everybody who watches college football becomes an expert and draws up some insane scenario that plays there 8-2 team back into the national championship game.

The general talk that I hear from everyone is that Texas Tech doesn't have a chance. As a Texas fan I really wish we had won that game. But, we didn't. And, until everybody else gets 1 more loss I haven't seen a shred of evidence as to why anyone would doubt Texas Tech, outside of the obvious, they aren't a household BCS title contender name.

Texas Tech beat the #1 team in the country in Texas and then turned around this week and embarrassed an Oklahoma State that played that #1 Texas very tough. Until Texas Tech loses on the field I haven't heard a good argument for why anyone should doubt them.

Now, from a personal stand point if Texas Tech does lose to Oklahoma this weekend in Norman the Big 12 is going to be a mess. There will be 3 one loss teams who all beat each other. Who deserves to play in the Big 12 championship game and then for chance to play for the national title? My choice is clearly Texas as we beat Oklahoma on a neutral field and both of the other wins (Texas Tech beat Texas in Lubbock, and Oklahoma would beat Texas Tech in Norman) were at home. But, I can't seem to find the official statement on what the Big 12 tie breaker is and I honestly have no faith in them to get it right. Whoever is making the decisions for this conference seems to love sending Oklahoma to BCS games over deserving Texas teams. But, i might be a bit biased there.

Regardless of the amount of stress the remainder of this season will cause, it will also result in lots of great Saturdays. While the BCS system sucks it does create an insane amount of excitement and disappointment alike. What would my fall be like without all this drama? Pretty boring I'm sure!

random brain vomit on a Friday morning

Warning: This post will be erratic and contain no attempt at remaining on topic. Please proceed.

Lately I've been in one of those funks where I feel insanely lonely in SF. I've got some good friends out here but it's tough to replace the people that I've spent years of building relationships with back east. I'm sure that traveling back to DC last weekend doesn't exactly help this "void" as it just reminded me of how great my peeps really are. I don't mean this next statement to read exactly like it will but I am not crafty enough with a keyboard to come up with another way to put it. But, the people I didn't see on my trip made me realize how much I miss them. We were so close, and now, back to far away. Such is life when you decide to pack it up and move I guess.

All things physical seem to be going really well for me of late. I'm feeling really strong on my bike and following through my make it up as a I go training plan seems to be working. I'm "fit" enough to ride at the port and with some of the local fast guys but I'm not in race shape. So, for this time of year and how it seems to be progressing I'd say I'm right where I need to be. Plenty of room to improve without getting dropped.

The other thing I've been doing is rock climbing. I can really only fit in two climbs, three if I'm lucky per week. Still, with those 2 I've started climbing everything in the 5.10 range. I've sent a few 5.10ds and can do all 5.10as and bs without much trouble. I'm pretty stoked about this because it means that I am right at the point where I can take the Lead climbing class and maybe actually get myself outside on some real rock at some point. I also might trust the stuff in the gym far too much but last night I peeled off a climb where the rope was anchored around a corner and I was on a crazy overhang. This resulted in my flying around the gym like Peter Pan. Insanely fun!

Internet dating websites = totally useless! Enough said. Don't do it. Save your money. Buy a hooker or something.

If I hear one more person say that Penn State deserves to play in the national championship (over an undefeated Texas Tech and Alabama) because this might be Joe Pa's last season I might slap them. Seriously, I know that Joe Pa was at the table when the sport was invented. I think he's probably one of the coolest coaches in college football. Unfortunately for Joe Pa his Nittany Lions play in the Big 10 and that means their schedule is way to soft to be jumping anybody coming out of the SEC or Big 12 this year. ESPECIALLY a Texas Tech team that if they win out will have beaten three teams (Texas, OK State, OK) all in the top 10 in three weeks. Who'd Penn State beat? An over ranked Ohio State? Give me a break.

I gotta find a new place to live. I'll spare the details but I've made this harder on myself than it needs to be for various reasons. That's a bit frustrating.

I need to make out with somebody. Not really in such general terms. But see my post earlier in the week about admitting things and it costing money. I'm keeping this one internal. Sort of.

That's all I got.

Go America!

I am not a political expert and admittedly was sick of the Presidential campaign about 2 years ago so I don't want to pretend like I can explain the outcome in any greater depth than Obama got more votes.

One of those votes was my vote which is the point of this very short blurb. This is the first time since I've been of voting age that I've been on the winning side of a big election. I wrote yesterday about how I feel voting is sort of useless on a completely personal level, but, I voted anyway and now that my side has won, I sort of like the feeling and will probably vote again in the future.

Last night when the announcement was made I was in downtown Oakland on my bicycle coming back from a Tuesday night ride at the Port. Mayhem is probably the only way to describe it and I felt sort of lucky to get through the streets alive and back to my car. If I had died because I was ran over by a crazy Obama person my mom would probably not be thrilled with his victory. Lucky for me I survived and maybe our country can experience some of this change he's been speaking of. Let's hope at this point it wasn't all just rhetoric and something actually happens.

Either way, Go America!

Vote for Landall in all write in opportunities.

From an economics stand point voting is a gigantic waste of time. I don’t want spend a lot of time discussing this but it basically boils down to opportunity costs lost through the act of taking the time out of your day to go and do it and the fact that elections never come down to one vote.

With that being said I got up a half an hour early this morning and wandered the two blocks to my polling station to vote for what I hope will bring some change to the good ol’ USofA. This was my first time voting in California and it is a process. There were city measures to vote on A-V and like 12 props for the state. I like prop bets because the fun. Prop votes are annoying. The only one I really cared about was No on 8 (the gay marriage one for those of you outside of CA). I mostly like it because I hate bigots and I didn’t need to do any research to take the right stance.

I tried to research the other props, however, I lost interest and decided to go with a much easier method of choosing. I’d read the prop. I’d ask myself the question, “Does this make gov’t bigger?” If that answer was yes, then I voted no. Simple enough.

For a few elections now I have been writing myself in for local seats where I know nothing about any of the candidates. I followed that tradition for three seats in San Francisco. One of which was for judge. You all can start calling me “your honor” probably around midnight.

In some states, CA included, you aren’t allowed to bring in any sort of campaign material or wear anything campaign related within 100 yards of the polling place. This meant I couldn’t wear my Obama pop art tshirt to vote so I had to go back home and change before coming to work. But, this law does bring up a sort of interesting question. If I am not allowed to show my support for Barrack Obama in picture format, is Barrack Obama allowed to show up an vote? Isn’t he campaigning for himself just by showing up? Do the candidates have to wear costumes to the polls? We all know the answer to this is no, and the law, I guess makes sense because it keeps people from harassing you as you walk into the location, but, I always sort of liked ignoring those people and I really wanted to wear my Obama shirt.

If you haven’t voted, vote, especially if you live in a swing state where your vote actually might make a difference. Even though, economists everywhere know that isn’t a true statement. Turn out in big numbers and lets prove them right!

I almost forgot

One more thing I learned this weekend:

-Justin Bobby, from the Hills, is very short. Not like shorter than average, I mean he's like 5'5 at best. I saw him in Dulles as he was boarding a Virgin America flight back to LA and I was flying back to SF.

At first I wasn't sure it was really him. But, after some facebook research I have discovered that he was indeed in DC for Halloween at some party. He was probably paid to make an appearance. Regardless of that fact, he is very short.

A Weekend of Lessons Learned.

This list is not comprehensive or in any particular order.

- Sleep is apparently not needed to survive.

- Some people will give you shit about not hanging out with them.

- Those people may stand you up.

- The majority of my friends are gullible.

- Keeping feelings to yourself is not healthy, but it’s less expensive than buying plane tickets.

- People that become fans of sports teams due to the fanship of their significant other should not pretend like they are real fans or talk trash on behalf of their fake fanship.

o This is multiplied a million times over when that sports team is Oklahoma.

- Halloween costumes are not necessary.

- Beer will drown your sorrows.

- It will also make you text message people you should not.

- I do not deal well with Texas losing. (I knew this already, but Saturday was bad!)

- I have great friends. I miss them.

- If given the option to sit beside a normal person or a crazy person on a cross country flight I’d pick the normal. But I was not given this option.

- I am too tall to fly couch. Too poor to upgrade.

- Um, that might be it.

So much drama in the LBC...

I realize that I mostly post about cycling. I also realize that of the 3 people that actually read the useless things that pour out of my brain, maybe one of you cares about the culture of cycling. But, it’s my blog, so I write about whatever I want.

Everybody is now well aware of the come back of good old Lance. I continue to flip flop on this issue but for none of the reasons that others seem to be chiming into the media about. Recently, a sort of super star of the future of cycling, Linus Gerdemann, vocally spoke out against Lance’s return because of the doping allegations that have always plagued him. I don’t want to change my theory on whether Lance doped simply because this cocky kid from Germany is clearly accusing Lance of doing so. Whenever someone asks me if I think he doped, I always reply with the same thing, “I’m not sure, but if he did it wouldn’t surprise me. But, that was the nature of the sport, and everybody was doing it. If everyone else was clean and so was Lance I think he’d have won then too. So I don’t care if he did or not.” But, I think that Mr. Gerdemann might be getting a bit ahead of himself here. When the greatest Tour de France rider in the history of cycling decides he wants to come back, you better give this guy the benefit of the doubt or at least keep your mouth shut, use that rage as motivation and try and beat him on your bike. Everybody knows that Lance hates it when people talk about him in the press and everybody also knows that on the bike, Lance isn’t really a nice guy. If I were Linus Gerdemann I’d hope that I didn’t find myself lined up at any races with the Texan this year. Lance might not win, but I can guarantee you he’ll lose to ensure that Gerdemann does as well.

But, beside the silly bickering this brings up a bigger point. Why in cycling is the normal judicial system that seems to hold the rest of the industrialized world together totally ignored? Our entire legal system is based on the idea that one is innocent until proven guilty. In cycling, or doping in sports rather, it’s the exact opposite. One has to absolutely prove their innocence instead. I know I’m not the first to realize this or even write about it, but it really just doesn’t make any sense to me. When perception is reality, and in no arena is this more true that professional cycling, the press seem to be the judicial system, and those officials who oversee the doping controls are more than happy to listen to every word they say.

And, this is only slightly related, but a lot of people seem to criticize teams like Rock Racing and others who sign ex-dopers who did their time, I think it's over all good for the sport. If we're going to have this insanely screwed up judicial system where guys get thrown out for a few years, then there needs to be some system to let them back into the sport. I don't think they need to get a free ride back in. They should have to earn a contract just like anybody else who's on the free market. But, life time bans are ridiculous, whether they be set down by the people holding the gavel, the riders or team directors.

If you’re interested in the link for the Gerdemann story it’s here:
http://www.velonews.com/article/84748/gerdemann-criticizes-armstrong-comeback

The First Rule of Fight Club...

When I first started to ride with a group of competent cyclist in SF people would tell me of a ride that went off every Tuesday at the Port of Oakland. This ride was spoken of as almost a mythic legend. Even to the point that people would look around, realize my unfamiliar face and immediately stop talking about it as if it were the first rule of Fight Club. Basically, the Port ride is crit training in the middle of the week where a pretty large group of cyclists meet up in the Port, at night and ride on essentially closed roads. During the summer and racing season there is talk of 100 guys showing up at times, including pros, and it is fast!

A few weeks ago I decided I was finally fit enough to show my face and give it a go. But, being savy in the ways of cycling I knew that if I showed up by myself as a guy, I’d be ignored and probably have to fit for spots in the group all night, because, well, that’s how cycling rolls. Instead, I very wisely invited my friend Jennifer, who is a Cat 1, to come with me. My guess was that all the guys would swoon to her because fast girls on bikes are hard to find, especially cute ones, and while being hit on she’d say, “and that’s my friend Landall,” and I’d receive a hall pass by association alone. Let’s jus say my plan worked perfectly. Guys acknowledged that I existed. I didn’t have to wrestle myself into the pace line and after sitting in the group (which averaged 27mph over an hour and a half) was given nods of acceptance.

Fast forward to last night when I showed back up for the ride, this time, due to bicycle complications, sans Jennifer, and it was as if these guys didn’t have a clue who I was. At the meet up spot I was ignored. On the ride to the port I was ignored. And once the pace started to wind up a nice lady introduced herself to me at about 25mph. Conversation was, let’s say, limited. But, despite the cheerful nature of the group I was silently accepted about half way through as I saw a decisive gap splitting the pack in two (Predictably the split happened right after I very unwisely took a monster pull at the front and was drifting back.) and I bridged up solo to make it into the lead group of 10 or 12. This eventually got whittled down and we finished the ride with only about 8 guys sitting in the whole night without getting dropped. I always poke fun at cycling for not being very friendly to new comers and unfamiliar faces, but, in reality, I appreciate the proving yourself weed out process that cycling forces upon everyone there.

As we all soft pedaled one guy kept talking about huge his pulls were and that they were pretty much the reason the group split. I have no idea if this was true but I do know I was sitting on his wheel most of the night because he is tall and I could actually get a draft off of him and I wasn’t struggling to stay there. The guys on track bikes patted themselves on the backs for dropping all but three guys with gears. But, that’s just how cycling goes, none of that talk means anything. Then, as our heart rates dropped and we started to realize how freaking cold it was, we went and got burritos. Which was clearly the highlight of the night.

The Port ride is going to be staple of my training week as it’s really the best threshold workout I can possibly do, not to mention great crit riding practice. These last few weeks there’s probably been about 30-40 people that start the ride and admittedly the paces are slower this time of year, but hopefully when it ramps back to up mythic legend status I’ll still be able to find some good wheels and sit in. Cat 3 or bust right?

The Important Rules of Cycling

For those of you out there who don't ride a bike seriously and think cycling is weird. The clothes we wear are weird. The way we act is weird. Basically, just in general, that we're weird. Read this article I found on pezcyclingnews.com. It's written in with a tongue-in-cheek style, however, if you've ridden a bike long enough and with enough groups of "serious" guys, it's all true. It's hard to explain, but these are some of the most important rules of cycling. Especially if you want to be accepted.

And, basically the only motivation to actually post this was Christopher Mahoney threatening to withhold money from me. So, pay me my chedda fool!

You Look Mah-velous: Cycling Style Etiquette
Tuesday, June 24, 2008 6:37:05 AM PT

by Josh Horowitz

You could fill a library with all the rules in the unwritten book of cycling etiquette. Perhaps this is one of the reasons that bike racers don’t hit their prime until their mid 30’s. It takes that long to learn all the rules before you can really concentrate on riding strong! With the summer months and group rides aplenty, it’s time to take a scientifically-proven but tongue-in-cheek look at looking good on the bike…

Billy Crystal and his alter ego Fernando Llamas said it best when he mugged, “It is better to look good than to feel good, dah-ling.” The cyclist’s version goes something like, “It is better to look good than to ride good.” We can’t all be world champions or even win the sprint on the local club ride, but at least we can look cool going off the back.

Although I couldn’t possibly sum up every unwritten rule of cycling etiquette in just one article, below are the 13 most important rules to remember. Some will actually improve your riding, others will simply make you look good and the rest are just down right snobbish.

Helmets. Face it, helmets just aren’t cool. Nothing looks more pro than the tour rider cruising down the boulevard wearing nothing but a broken-in cycling cap. However, concussions and drooling out the side of your mouth are really lame, so wear your helmet. But for heaven’s sake, take it off when you walk into the coffee shop! Are you afraid of slipping and hitting your head on the counter? When worn, the helmet should be tilted as far forward on your head as possible and never at an angle. Cockeyed helmets are a sure sign of an amateur.

To look cool, take off the helmet and slip on your cycling cap the moment you arrive at your destination. To look Euro-cool, make sure to always wear your sunglasses on the outside of your helmet straps so the television cameras can see the brand logo on the ear pieces. And please, no neon colored helmets! White is the only acceptable helmet color.

Legs. We’ve all been asked a million times, why do cyclists shave their legs? Our answers range from aerodynamics to massage to wound care. But we all know the real reason. It makes us look smooth (in more way than one)! So whip out the shaving cream and the Bic and mow the lawn.

For the ultimate in cool, roll up the cuffs of your shorts for that extra 1/4 inch of tanning space. To look Euro-cool, always wear a pair of the ultra-cool Pez cycling socks. And please, no gym socks!

The Kit. Your jersey must match your shorts, which must match your arm warmers, which must match your socks. But under no circumstances should a replica pro team kit or a national/world champion kit be worn unless you’ve earned it. The only acceptable team kit is your own club kit. Retro wool kits are sometimes acceptable, but even that is iffy.

To look cool if you don’t belong to a club or a team, wear a stock Castelli or Assos kit but don’t mix and match. To be Euro-cool, wear the kit of an obscure European amateur team, but only if you have a story about how you spent the winter riding with them in Majorca to go along with it. Please, no century jerseys (I’m going to take some heat on that one), nothing with cartoon characters on it and never, under any circumstances, go jersey-less. Especially if you are wearing bibs.

* And a special note for women. As much as the guys on the group ride might like it, a jog-bra is not an acceptable substitute for a jersey. Wear the bra, but please throw a jersey on over it. It’s hot. You’re hot. But shorts and a jog-bra is just not.

iPods. I should say MP3 players, but let’s face it, an iPod is the only cool on-board music system. Of course legally, I have to recommend against wearing headphones out on the road, but since you’re going to do it anyway, here are a few guidelines. Never wear headphones on a group ride. Headphones on a group ride say two things. 1) You people are good enough to ride with, but not good enough to talk to or even listen to and 2) I’m not concerned with my own safety and I’m even less concerned with YOUR safety. There’s no faster way to become disliked by a group of cyclist than by showing up on a group ride with headphones, even if the music is off.

To look cool, remember that the smaller the headphone, the better. No 1985 walkman ear muff headphones please. Ear buds are the only acceptable iPod accessory. To look Euro-cool, make sure you are listening to an obscure independent British punk rocker or electronic group. And please, no Kraftwerk!

Clipping out. Hard to believe, but this one actually deserves its own paragraph. One of the easiest ways to determine the experience level of a cyclist is to see how early they clip out before coming to a stop. A novice rider will clip out as much as a block before a stop sign or red light. A real beginner will clip out a block before a green light, just on the off chance that it might turn red by the time they get to it.

To look cool, let the bike come to a full stop before clipping out. To look Eurocool, never clip out. Track stands are the only acceptable way to wait at a red light. And please, no basket-clips and no mountain bike shoes on the road bike! Wearing sneakers or mountain bike shoes on the road indicates that you intend to spend more time with your feet on the ground than in the pedals. You’re a cyclist, darn it, not a pedestrian!

The Friday Ride Hero. Although getting dropped on the hard Saturday group ride isn’t cool, there are actually more ways to look un-cool on the easy Friday recovery ride. The best way to look un-cool is by pushing the pace over 19 mph or by doing your intervals off the front of the ride. Friday rides are for recovery and socializing. You’re not going to impress anyone by ramping up the pace. Unfortunately, messing up the pace is just as easy to do on the hard group ride and this is where things get really complicated. Sprinting at the wrong moment, setting the wrong pace up a climb or pushing the tempo at the wrong time can draw just as much scorn as pushing the pace on a recovery ride. Get to know the etiquette of a group ride by doing it at least two or three times before even thinking about getting to the front.

To look cool, show up to the Friday ride with a cup of coffee from an independent bohemian coffee shop and sip on it throughout the ride. To look Euro-cool, skip the coffee and blueberry muffin after the ride in favor of an espresso and a croissant. And please, never order any drink that has whip cream spilling out over the top of the cup. You didn’t ride hard enough to burn off 20 grams of fat and 600 calories.

Group Ride Etiquette. Have you ever seen a pro team on a training ride? Side by side, shoulder to shoulder, quietly zipping along. Then, there is the club ride. You actually hear it before you see it. Slowing! Right Side! Stopping! Rolling! Hole! Then you see it. 25 riders spread out over an entire city block, three, sometimes four, wide. Weaving, swarming cars, running stop signs. Keep your group ride cool with the following four rules of thumb. 1) Never ride more than two abreast. 2) Never allow more than six inches distance between your front wheel to the rear wheel of the rider in front of you. 3) Maintain a distance, no more than 12 inches from your shoulder to the shoulder of the rider next to you. 4) It only takes one person to call things out. This should be the person at the front of the pack. Ideally, a little point of the hand is all it takes to indicate obstructions or turns. It shouldn’t take two dozen people yelling at the top of their lungs to make a ride run smoothly.

To look cool, keep the group tight, wheel to wheel and shoulder to shoulder. To look Euro-cool, only ride with other cyclist wearing the exact same kit. If this is not possible, make sure there are no more than three different kits in the pack and that there are at least three riders wearing each kit. And please, never swarm cars at stop lights or steer a large group of riders through a red light. It’s just not cool.

Carbon Wheels. Carbon wheels are for racing! Never under any circumstances should they be brought out on a training ride. Training wheels should be strong and heavy with lots and lots of spokes. Carbon wheels say to the group, I’m not strong enough to do this ride without my $2,000 feather weight wheels. If you have the money to tear up a carbon wheel set on the road, then you’d be better off spending it on a coach who will get you fit enough to keep up with the group ride on regular training wheels.

To be cool, ride with Bontrager flat proof tubes. They’re about four-times as heavy as regular tubes and they just about double your rolling resistance. To be Euro-cool, don’t tell anyone you’re riding with them. It’s enough to know for yourself that you can keep up with those weenies even on a 22-pound bike. And please, no deep dish carbon clinchers. Carbon wheels are race wheels and clinchers are for training. Tubulars are the only way to go on your carbons.

Ornaments and Accessories. This one is simple. No stuffed animals or figurines mounted to your handlebars no matter what it signifies to you. No mirrors on your helmet or your glasses. No reflector strips taped to your bike. No giant flashing lights (LEDs are ok).

To look cool, ride without a saddle bag. Put one small tube, a tiny pump and a tire lever in your middle back pocket. To look Euro-cool, ride without a saddle bag and with nothing in your pockets. This is cool because it means you must have a team car following you with all your supplies. And please, don’t plaster the stickers that came with your shoes or your glasses all over your bike unless your sponsorship contract with those companies specifically dictates that you must.

Cat 4 Marks. Otherwise known as a chain tattoo, this is what we called them back in the day before Category 5 existed. Nothing gives away a rookie faster than a black streak of grease on their calf. The experienced rider can actually get through an entire ride without rubbing up and down on their dirty chain.

To look cool, CLEAN YOUR CHAIN! To look Euro-cool, take your chain off once a week and soak it in degreaser along with the bearings from your bottom bracket and your headset (you old timers know what I’m talking about). And please, it’s one thing to get grease on your leg. It’s another thing to get it on your hands, your jersey, your face!

Shorts. MEN: there are many rules regarding shorts. First of all, they don’t exist. Forget about them. The only acceptable garments to wear are bibs, no exceptions. But please, throw out your bibs when they start to wear out. Enough anatomy is revealed by the skin tight Lycra, we don’t need to see a transparent butt panel. And this may seem obvious, but the jersey goes over the bibs!

To look cool, wear bibs, enough said. To look Euro cool, wear bib knickers or even bib tights. And please, don’t wear underwear under your shorts!

How to Dress for Weather. If the temperature is below 60 degrees Fahrenheit, you must wear knees or better yet, full leg warmers. If you go out of the house in 50 degree weather with bare legs, it doesn’t mean you’re tough, it just means you’re an idiot. In the summer, no matter how hot it gets, you must never wear a sleeveless jersey. Tan lines are the proud mark of a real cyclist. If you must get some additional ventilation, cut a vertical line along the inside seam of your sleeve with a pair of scissors. Not only will this help you stay cool, but it says, “my sponsors give me so many jerseys, I don’t mind wrecking one.”

To look cool, if you need to keep the sweat out of your eyes, wear a cycling cap, not a sweat band or a bandana. To look Euro-cool, just don’t sweat. And please, no arm warmers with a sleeveless jersey!

When to Dress. Believe it or not there are a whole bunch of rules regarding when to get dressed for a race or a ride. In general, the less time you spend in your chamois, the cooler. If you are riding to the start, you should get dressed just before you leave the house. Don’t eat breakfast or walk the dog in the morning in your full kit! The neighbours think you’re goofy enough for cycling as it is! If you are driving to the start and it is less than a 45 minute trip, it is ok to wear your bibs under a pair of regular shorts, but not your jersey or your gloves and especially not your helmet. Also, make sure the suspenders on your bibs are hanging down, (preferably on the outside of your street shorts) and not over your shoulders. If it is longer than a 45 minute drive to the start, you must bring all your cycling gear in a cycling specific duffle bag such as a Specialized or Rudy Project bag. Brown paper bags or shopping bags are never acceptable.

To look cool, wrap a towel around your waist when you change. Changing skirts are practical, but not very cool. To look Euro-cool, make sure it’s a white, thread bare towel taken from the cheap motel room that you and five teammates crammed into at your last stage race. And please, no bare butts in the parking lot. Once again, we see enough through the skin tight Lycra.

Once last time, if you can’t ride good, you might as well look good. And please remember, I don’t write these rules, I only live by them.

American Stage Races

With the seemingly (I know, seemingly is still a marginal term) popularity of professional bicycle racing cropping up all over America race promoters are doing their best to put on races that resemble the one race that non-cycling fans recognize, the Tour de France. But, keep in mind, while most Americans recognize a race of this nature, they don't understand it. Any cyclist who's been asked to explain stage races to an innocent bystander knows what it feels like to watch a blank expression wash over someones face as you talk. It's impossible to say the least.

None the less, I get it. A bike race leading with the word "Tour" is going trigger warm, fuzzy, Lance Armstrong memories for the laymen. And, I'm perfectly fine with all these promoters actually putting together these "Tour" races with 5 or 6 stages. Mostly I like this because I feel sorry for domestic pros who just have to race insanely dangerous crits all year in places like Athens where they actually have a "Crash Corner" in front of a bar where the drunks get their entertainment. But I digress.

With the announcement of a new stage race across upstate New York this year my problem with American stage racing jumped off my computer screen and hit me in the face. This new race is titled "Tour de New York." Why do American races feel the need to substitute to the word "de" instead of, well, "of?" Does throwing in this French/Spanish preposition give your race anymore legitimacy? I don't think so. California has managed to become the largest stage race in the US and they did this by taking the risky chance of using all English words in it's race's title, the Amgen Tour of California.

This small point sticks out to me as another stupid marketing scheme where American bike race promoters don't trust their fan base to support a race that isn't in some way connected to the races across the pond. And, it's not just stage races. Labor day weekend in San Francisco I went downtown to watch the "Giro di San Francisco." This title was clearly meant to resemble the "Giro d'Italia" which, for those of you not in the know, is the Tour de France of Italy. But, the Giro di SF was a crit. It lasted one hour for the pros. Nobody that showed up to watch, at least intentionally, was fooled by the name. And calling it something oddly Italian didn't make non cyclist show up for a bit of culture.

When I started writing this I thought it'd be nice and short. I guess I was wrong. However, my point is simple. American race promoters should be applauded for their efforts in bringing more bike racing to the US. Especially more stage racing. But, until they stop trying to hide the titles of their races behind something that sounds like it might have taken place in Europe, that applause has to come in a golf clap style.

Internet Addiction

Tomorrow, Friday, 10/3 will mark exactly two weeks that my home internet connection has been down. At first this was simply annoying, but now it has grown into a complete hassle and expensive inconvenience. Due to the fact that my job doesn't start until next week I have no work internet to get on and check email, facebook, blogs, other things that keep me connected to my world. Instead, my only option is to use coffee shops with "free" internet. It's not really free because you have to buy something from the coffee shop in order to sit there and occupy space. The first couple of days I spread out my coffee shop visits, but was still trying to get online at least twice a day because to be honest, I'm pretty addicted to the aforementioned avenues of internet connection. I quickly realized how expensive even buying just a small coffee was going to be and whittled my coffee shop appearances down to just once per day, in the mornings. So, by doing the simple math of adding up the amount I've paid in coffee and the occasional scone over the past two weeks I have spent almost $30 for about two hours per day of internet. Comcast is cheaper for the entire month of unlimited internet access. With no apparent sign of when I will get the internet back in my apartment I am left with this stupid routine of coffee shop visits in order to fill the daily need of the internet. And, since my roommate has decided to take all of the responsibility for those services I am left with my hands tied behind my back or maybe more accurately to my wallet as I pull out cash for shitty coffee until the problem is resolved. I understand the coffee shop isn't here to provide me with internet service, but would it be too much ask for a decent cup of overpriced joe?

It Couldn't Last Forever

As most of you know I have been living the good life of gainful unemployment for the last month or so. I was supposed to teach but decided I didn't want to so in a very landall like fashion quit before it started. That of course left me with the ever so unanswerable question to try and answer, "What was I going to do instead?"

Today, I received the phone call that offered me full time employment as a project manager for the company that runs the camp that I worked at when I first arrived here. I will be overseeing the recruiting for their summer staff. The job will require a lot of travel to various bay area colleges which should be fun. Also, the company is growing rapidly so there seems to be some upside there as well if all works out for the future.

While living the good life was fun, the money was sure to run out eventually. I guess I'm back to being a working stiff like the rest of you. Well, on Oct. 6th that is. I still have a few more weeks of "vacation."

Comedy Is Weird

Every time I go see stand up I always like the comics who tell jokes, but don't mind stopping their planned set to talk to people in the audience or acknowledge something else that is going on in the room. Last night I basically went into a 4 minute open mic with about 1-1.5 minutes of a very rough joke planned. I didn't bother to refine and edit this joke because I've told it about 100 times over the course of my life and people always laugh and so I was sure it'd work, get everybody in the crowd to like me and I'd be able t move on to use the last 3 minutes to get to know my new friends in the audience.

This joke, which kills in everyday laugh, hardly got smiles. I am not one of those comics who is so nervous on stage they stare at their feet and so while making eye contact with audience members its a strange feeling to have people look at you so blankly while telling a joke. Should I stop half way through? Should I press on and hope that it gets better? Should I cry? All of these options run through my head as people are not laughing.

Then, at a part of the joke that I don't find the least bit funny but simply links to another part, everybody in the crowd laughs. Really? I think to myself and also ask out loud. That's the part you guys thought were funny? And then they laugh at my surprised response to their laughter and they're back on my side. This awareness for what else is going on in the room is what I was hoping for out of last nights set. So, maybe my joke was stupid but maybe it worked out anyway?

But that's the weird thing about stand up. You can prepare and rehearse and start your set with material that you think is solid gold and sometimes it kills and sometimes it bombs. Sometimes the same jokes that got crickets on Wednesday gets laughs on Friday. It really makes no sense and is incredibly confusing for a comic. Especially a comic that over thinks everything like I do. The best you can do is try and write the best jokes you can and then hope for the best?

I gotta go move my car for street sweeping.

Update. I'm bored.

I guess the original purpose of this blog was to keep people updated on my life. Instead, what I have been writing about, rather sparsely, are my opinions on useless things. But, I guess that's what blogs are really for too. So, here we go. I'm bored, I ran out of coffee and I already ate my daily breakfast of two Trader Joe's Banana Waffles. (I highly suggest these if you've never had them. Better than Eggos, especially with maple syrup.)

About mid-August I finished writing a book. Some of you may know this already. I had a good friend edit it. I did a round of edits. I painstakingly put the whole thing in past tense because apparently I lack the skill of consistently writing in that tense. I changed everyone's names, except mine. I brainstormed clever chapter titles. And now, it's probably about as good as it's going to get. With some guidance from a few writers. One a friend, one a sort of random contact, I constructed a query letter (two paragraph sales pitch) and emailed it to about a dozen literary agents. So far I have been rejected by three. My favorite part of this process so far is when the rejection letter is clearly a standard form letter that points out that it is standard form, apologizes for that fact, but rejects you just the same. Two of the three have been in this format. I am staying positive because I only need one agent to say they want to represent me and then I only need one publishing house to agree to make me a billionaire. Or, at least a published writer. At this point I am now in the holding pattern of the literary world. Playing hurry up and wait. Every time I check my email and it informs me there are new emails waiting for me I get both excited and nervous that it's going to be either someone asking for sample chapters or another rejection. So far, it's mostly been spamed porn.

Let's see, what else is new?

My new bike, which I need to review for those other bike geeks out there, is acting beautifully. I have been getting in a ton of base miles and hopefully I can train through winter with the same dedication and get myself out of the death race of cat 5 crits. The club I was planning on riding for next year posted a notice on their website saying they weren't taking new racing members for 2009. Which is odd since a few of their members invited me. If the notice is true looks like I'll be racing by myself. Which, in the grand scheme of things, just means I'll save money on new kits and membership dues. Nobody in amateur racing uses team tactics anyway. It's always every man for himself.

If I don't hear back from the job I interviewed for today I have to go get a job. I have no idea what this job will be. A new rock climbing gym opened up down in the Presidio. Maybe I'll work there. When I quit the teaching job before it started I had the realization that spending a considerable amount of time trying to figure out what I was "supposed" to do was a waste of time. I never come up with any good answers and when I do come to some sort of conclusion only to change my mind about it months later it causes me an odd amount of grief. Basically, I have no idea what I want to do. I want to pay rent. I want to have money to go to the bar if I feel like it. I want to be able to save a bit as well. I'm starting to get bored with so much free time from not having a job so I want to have something else to do. I think pretty much any job I could find at this point would meet those qualifications. We'll see what happens.

Where's this indian summer everyone talks about? Doesn't seem to be getting any warmer or sunnier to me.

The Big 10. So Big it's 11?

The Big 10 has got to be the most over rated conference on a yearly basis. I am not really a USC fan and I don't take anything away from them because let's face it, they're good, but Ohio St couldn't go in there and score a single touchdown? This happens every time any of the big, powerful, Big 10 schools play a non-conference game against another school that actually has a decent program. They always get crushed. On a yearly basis you always hear the apologists saying that the Big 10 has to recruit different types of athletes because they have to play in the cold and blah blah blah. I'm sick of hearing it. The Big 10 is awful and until they start beating some teams outside of the Big 10 I'll continue to say so.

Open Letter to Lance Armstrong

Dear Mr. Armstrong,

I'll keep this brief. Don't do it. Contador is faster. Nobody wants to watch you get bottles for him.

Sincerely,

Landall Proctor.