So much drama in the LBC...

I realize that I mostly post about cycling. I also realize that of the 3 people that actually read the useless things that pour out of my brain, maybe one of you cares about the culture of cycling. But, it’s my blog, so I write about whatever I want.

Everybody is now well aware of the come back of good old Lance. I continue to flip flop on this issue but for none of the reasons that others seem to be chiming into the media about. Recently, a sort of super star of the future of cycling, Linus Gerdemann, vocally spoke out against Lance’s return because of the doping allegations that have always plagued him. I don’t want to change my theory on whether Lance doped simply because this cocky kid from Germany is clearly accusing Lance of doing so. Whenever someone asks me if I think he doped, I always reply with the same thing, “I’m not sure, but if he did it wouldn’t surprise me. But, that was the nature of the sport, and everybody was doing it. If everyone else was clean and so was Lance I think he’d have won then too. So I don’t care if he did or not.” But, I think that Mr. Gerdemann might be getting a bit ahead of himself here. When the greatest Tour de France rider in the history of cycling decides he wants to come back, you better give this guy the benefit of the doubt or at least keep your mouth shut, use that rage as motivation and try and beat him on your bike. Everybody knows that Lance hates it when people talk about him in the press and everybody also knows that on the bike, Lance isn’t really a nice guy. If I were Linus Gerdemann I’d hope that I didn’t find myself lined up at any races with the Texan this year. Lance might not win, but I can guarantee you he’ll lose to ensure that Gerdemann does as well.

But, beside the silly bickering this brings up a bigger point. Why in cycling is the normal judicial system that seems to hold the rest of the industrialized world together totally ignored? Our entire legal system is based on the idea that one is innocent until proven guilty. In cycling, or doping in sports rather, it’s the exact opposite. One has to absolutely prove their innocence instead. I know I’m not the first to realize this or even write about it, but it really just doesn’t make any sense to me. When perception is reality, and in no arena is this more true that professional cycling, the press seem to be the judicial system, and those officials who oversee the doping controls are more than happy to listen to every word they say.

And, this is only slightly related, but a lot of people seem to criticize teams like Rock Racing and others who sign ex-dopers who did their time, I think it's over all good for the sport. If we're going to have this insanely screwed up judicial system where guys get thrown out for a few years, then there needs to be some system to let them back into the sport. I don't think they need to get a free ride back in. They should have to earn a contract just like anybody else who's on the free market. But, life time bans are ridiculous, whether they be set down by the people holding the gavel, the riders or team directors.

If you’re interested in the link for the Gerdemann story it’s here:
http://www.velonews.com/article/84748/gerdemann-criticizes-armstrong-comeback

The First Rule of Fight Club...

When I first started to ride with a group of competent cyclist in SF people would tell me of a ride that went off every Tuesday at the Port of Oakland. This ride was spoken of as almost a mythic legend. Even to the point that people would look around, realize my unfamiliar face and immediately stop talking about it as if it were the first rule of Fight Club. Basically, the Port ride is crit training in the middle of the week where a pretty large group of cyclists meet up in the Port, at night and ride on essentially closed roads. During the summer and racing season there is talk of 100 guys showing up at times, including pros, and it is fast!

A few weeks ago I decided I was finally fit enough to show my face and give it a go. But, being savy in the ways of cycling I knew that if I showed up by myself as a guy, I’d be ignored and probably have to fit for spots in the group all night, because, well, that’s how cycling rolls. Instead, I very wisely invited my friend Jennifer, who is a Cat 1, to come with me. My guess was that all the guys would swoon to her because fast girls on bikes are hard to find, especially cute ones, and while being hit on she’d say, “and that’s my friend Landall,” and I’d receive a hall pass by association alone. Let’s jus say my plan worked perfectly. Guys acknowledged that I existed. I didn’t have to wrestle myself into the pace line and after sitting in the group (which averaged 27mph over an hour and a half) was given nods of acceptance.

Fast forward to last night when I showed back up for the ride, this time, due to bicycle complications, sans Jennifer, and it was as if these guys didn’t have a clue who I was. At the meet up spot I was ignored. On the ride to the port I was ignored. And once the pace started to wind up a nice lady introduced herself to me at about 25mph. Conversation was, let’s say, limited. But, despite the cheerful nature of the group I was silently accepted about half way through as I saw a decisive gap splitting the pack in two (Predictably the split happened right after I very unwisely took a monster pull at the front and was drifting back.) and I bridged up solo to make it into the lead group of 10 or 12. This eventually got whittled down and we finished the ride with only about 8 guys sitting in the whole night without getting dropped. I always poke fun at cycling for not being very friendly to new comers and unfamiliar faces, but, in reality, I appreciate the proving yourself weed out process that cycling forces upon everyone there.

As we all soft pedaled one guy kept talking about huge his pulls were and that they were pretty much the reason the group split. I have no idea if this was true but I do know I was sitting on his wheel most of the night because he is tall and I could actually get a draft off of him and I wasn’t struggling to stay there. The guys on track bikes patted themselves on the backs for dropping all but three guys with gears. But, that’s just how cycling goes, none of that talk means anything. Then, as our heart rates dropped and we started to realize how freaking cold it was, we went and got burritos. Which was clearly the highlight of the night.

The Port ride is going to be staple of my training week as it’s really the best threshold workout I can possibly do, not to mention great crit riding practice. These last few weeks there’s probably been about 30-40 people that start the ride and admittedly the paces are slower this time of year, but hopefully when it ramps back to up mythic legend status I’ll still be able to find some good wheels and sit in. Cat 3 or bust right?

The Important Rules of Cycling

For those of you out there who don't ride a bike seriously and think cycling is weird. The clothes we wear are weird. The way we act is weird. Basically, just in general, that we're weird. Read this article I found on pezcyclingnews.com. It's written in with a tongue-in-cheek style, however, if you've ridden a bike long enough and with enough groups of "serious" guys, it's all true. It's hard to explain, but these are some of the most important rules of cycling. Especially if you want to be accepted.

And, basically the only motivation to actually post this was Christopher Mahoney threatening to withhold money from me. So, pay me my chedda fool!

You Look Mah-velous: Cycling Style Etiquette
Tuesday, June 24, 2008 6:37:05 AM PT

by Josh Horowitz

You could fill a library with all the rules in the unwritten book of cycling etiquette. Perhaps this is one of the reasons that bike racers don’t hit their prime until their mid 30’s. It takes that long to learn all the rules before you can really concentrate on riding strong! With the summer months and group rides aplenty, it’s time to take a scientifically-proven but tongue-in-cheek look at looking good on the bike…

Billy Crystal and his alter ego Fernando Llamas said it best when he mugged, “It is better to look good than to feel good, dah-ling.” The cyclist’s version goes something like, “It is better to look good than to ride good.” We can’t all be world champions or even win the sprint on the local club ride, but at least we can look cool going off the back.

Although I couldn’t possibly sum up every unwritten rule of cycling etiquette in just one article, below are the 13 most important rules to remember. Some will actually improve your riding, others will simply make you look good and the rest are just down right snobbish.

Helmets. Face it, helmets just aren’t cool. Nothing looks more pro than the tour rider cruising down the boulevard wearing nothing but a broken-in cycling cap. However, concussions and drooling out the side of your mouth are really lame, so wear your helmet. But for heaven’s sake, take it off when you walk into the coffee shop! Are you afraid of slipping and hitting your head on the counter? When worn, the helmet should be tilted as far forward on your head as possible and never at an angle. Cockeyed helmets are a sure sign of an amateur.

To look cool, take off the helmet and slip on your cycling cap the moment you arrive at your destination. To look Euro-cool, make sure to always wear your sunglasses on the outside of your helmet straps so the television cameras can see the brand logo on the ear pieces. And please, no neon colored helmets! White is the only acceptable helmet color.

Legs. We’ve all been asked a million times, why do cyclists shave their legs? Our answers range from aerodynamics to massage to wound care. But we all know the real reason. It makes us look smooth (in more way than one)! So whip out the shaving cream and the Bic and mow the lawn.

For the ultimate in cool, roll up the cuffs of your shorts for that extra 1/4 inch of tanning space. To look Euro-cool, always wear a pair of the ultra-cool Pez cycling socks. And please, no gym socks!

The Kit. Your jersey must match your shorts, which must match your arm warmers, which must match your socks. But under no circumstances should a replica pro team kit or a national/world champion kit be worn unless you’ve earned it. The only acceptable team kit is your own club kit. Retro wool kits are sometimes acceptable, but even that is iffy.

To look cool if you don’t belong to a club or a team, wear a stock Castelli or Assos kit but don’t mix and match. To be Euro-cool, wear the kit of an obscure European amateur team, but only if you have a story about how you spent the winter riding with them in Majorca to go along with it. Please, no century jerseys (I’m going to take some heat on that one), nothing with cartoon characters on it and never, under any circumstances, go jersey-less. Especially if you are wearing bibs.

* And a special note for women. As much as the guys on the group ride might like it, a jog-bra is not an acceptable substitute for a jersey. Wear the bra, but please throw a jersey on over it. It’s hot. You’re hot. But shorts and a jog-bra is just not.

iPods. I should say MP3 players, but let’s face it, an iPod is the only cool on-board music system. Of course legally, I have to recommend against wearing headphones out on the road, but since you’re going to do it anyway, here are a few guidelines. Never wear headphones on a group ride. Headphones on a group ride say two things. 1) You people are good enough to ride with, but not good enough to talk to or even listen to and 2) I’m not concerned with my own safety and I’m even less concerned with YOUR safety. There’s no faster way to become disliked by a group of cyclist than by showing up on a group ride with headphones, even if the music is off.

To look cool, remember that the smaller the headphone, the better. No 1985 walkman ear muff headphones please. Ear buds are the only acceptable iPod accessory. To look Euro-cool, make sure you are listening to an obscure independent British punk rocker or electronic group. And please, no Kraftwerk!

Clipping out. Hard to believe, but this one actually deserves its own paragraph. One of the easiest ways to determine the experience level of a cyclist is to see how early they clip out before coming to a stop. A novice rider will clip out as much as a block before a stop sign or red light. A real beginner will clip out a block before a green light, just on the off chance that it might turn red by the time they get to it.

To look cool, let the bike come to a full stop before clipping out. To look Eurocool, never clip out. Track stands are the only acceptable way to wait at a red light. And please, no basket-clips and no mountain bike shoes on the road bike! Wearing sneakers or mountain bike shoes on the road indicates that you intend to spend more time with your feet on the ground than in the pedals. You’re a cyclist, darn it, not a pedestrian!

The Friday Ride Hero. Although getting dropped on the hard Saturday group ride isn’t cool, there are actually more ways to look un-cool on the easy Friday recovery ride. The best way to look un-cool is by pushing the pace over 19 mph or by doing your intervals off the front of the ride. Friday rides are for recovery and socializing. You’re not going to impress anyone by ramping up the pace. Unfortunately, messing up the pace is just as easy to do on the hard group ride and this is where things get really complicated. Sprinting at the wrong moment, setting the wrong pace up a climb or pushing the tempo at the wrong time can draw just as much scorn as pushing the pace on a recovery ride. Get to know the etiquette of a group ride by doing it at least two or three times before even thinking about getting to the front.

To look cool, show up to the Friday ride with a cup of coffee from an independent bohemian coffee shop and sip on it throughout the ride. To look Euro-cool, skip the coffee and blueberry muffin after the ride in favor of an espresso and a croissant. And please, never order any drink that has whip cream spilling out over the top of the cup. You didn’t ride hard enough to burn off 20 grams of fat and 600 calories.

Group Ride Etiquette. Have you ever seen a pro team on a training ride? Side by side, shoulder to shoulder, quietly zipping along. Then, there is the club ride. You actually hear it before you see it. Slowing! Right Side! Stopping! Rolling! Hole! Then you see it. 25 riders spread out over an entire city block, three, sometimes four, wide. Weaving, swarming cars, running stop signs. Keep your group ride cool with the following four rules of thumb. 1) Never ride more than two abreast. 2) Never allow more than six inches distance between your front wheel to the rear wheel of the rider in front of you. 3) Maintain a distance, no more than 12 inches from your shoulder to the shoulder of the rider next to you. 4) It only takes one person to call things out. This should be the person at the front of the pack. Ideally, a little point of the hand is all it takes to indicate obstructions or turns. It shouldn’t take two dozen people yelling at the top of their lungs to make a ride run smoothly.

To look cool, keep the group tight, wheel to wheel and shoulder to shoulder. To look Euro-cool, only ride with other cyclist wearing the exact same kit. If this is not possible, make sure there are no more than three different kits in the pack and that there are at least three riders wearing each kit. And please, never swarm cars at stop lights or steer a large group of riders through a red light. It’s just not cool.

Carbon Wheels. Carbon wheels are for racing! Never under any circumstances should they be brought out on a training ride. Training wheels should be strong and heavy with lots and lots of spokes. Carbon wheels say to the group, I’m not strong enough to do this ride without my $2,000 feather weight wheels. If you have the money to tear up a carbon wheel set on the road, then you’d be better off spending it on a coach who will get you fit enough to keep up with the group ride on regular training wheels.

To be cool, ride with Bontrager flat proof tubes. They’re about four-times as heavy as regular tubes and they just about double your rolling resistance. To be Euro-cool, don’t tell anyone you’re riding with them. It’s enough to know for yourself that you can keep up with those weenies even on a 22-pound bike. And please, no deep dish carbon clinchers. Carbon wheels are race wheels and clinchers are for training. Tubulars are the only way to go on your carbons.

Ornaments and Accessories. This one is simple. No stuffed animals or figurines mounted to your handlebars no matter what it signifies to you. No mirrors on your helmet or your glasses. No reflector strips taped to your bike. No giant flashing lights (LEDs are ok).

To look cool, ride without a saddle bag. Put one small tube, a tiny pump and a tire lever in your middle back pocket. To look Euro-cool, ride without a saddle bag and with nothing in your pockets. This is cool because it means you must have a team car following you with all your supplies. And please, don’t plaster the stickers that came with your shoes or your glasses all over your bike unless your sponsorship contract with those companies specifically dictates that you must.

Cat 4 Marks. Otherwise known as a chain tattoo, this is what we called them back in the day before Category 5 existed. Nothing gives away a rookie faster than a black streak of grease on their calf. The experienced rider can actually get through an entire ride without rubbing up and down on their dirty chain.

To look cool, CLEAN YOUR CHAIN! To look Euro-cool, take your chain off once a week and soak it in degreaser along with the bearings from your bottom bracket and your headset (you old timers know what I’m talking about). And please, it’s one thing to get grease on your leg. It’s another thing to get it on your hands, your jersey, your face!

Shorts. MEN: there are many rules regarding shorts. First of all, they don’t exist. Forget about them. The only acceptable garments to wear are bibs, no exceptions. But please, throw out your bibs when they start to wear out. Enough anatomy is revealed by the skin tight Lycra, we don’t need to see a transparent butt panel. And this may seem obvious, but the jersey goes over the bibs!

To look cool, wear bibs, enough said. To look Euro cool, wear bib knickers or even bib tights. And please, don’t wear underwear under your shorts!

How to Dress for Weather. If the temperature is below 60 degrees Fahrenheit, you must wear knees or better yet, full leg warmers. If you go out of the house in 50 degree weather with bare legs, it doesn’t mean you’re tough, it just means you’re an idiot. In the summer, no matter how hot it gets, you must never wear a sleeveless jersey. Tan lines are the proud mark of a real cyclist. If you must get some additional ventilation, cut a vertical line along the inside seam of your sleeve with a pair of scissors. Not only will this help you stay cool, but it says, “my sponsors give me so many jerseys, I don’t mind wrecking one.”

To look cool, if you need to keep the sweat out of your eyes, wear a cycling cap, not a sweat band or a bandana. To look Euro-cool, just don’t sweat. And please, no arm warmers with a sleeveless jersey!

When to Dress. Believe it or not there are a whole bunch of rules regarding when to get dressed for a race or a ride. In general, the less time you spend in your chamois, the cooler. If you are riding to the start, you should get dressed just before you leave the house. Don’t eat breakfast or walk the dog in the morning in your full kit! The neighbours think you’re goofy enough for cycling as it is! If you are driving to the start and it is less than a 45 minute trip, it is ok to wear your bibs under a pair of regular shorts, but not your jersey or your gloves and especially not your helmet. Also, make sure the suspenders on your bibs are hanging down, (preferably on the outside of your street shorts) and not over your shoulders. If it is longer than a 45 minute drive to the start, you must bring all your cycling gear in a cycling specific duffle bag such as a Specialized or Rudy Project bag. Brown paper bags or shopping bags are never acceptable.

To look cool, wrap a towel around your waist when you change. Changing skirts are practical, but not very cool. To look Euro-cool, make sure it’s a white, thread bare towel taken from the cheap motel room that you and five teammates crammed into at your last stage race. And please, no bare butts in the parking lot. Once again, we see enough through the skin tight Lycra.

Once last time, if you can’t ride good, you might as well look good. And please remember, I don’t write these rules, I only live by them.

American Stage Races

With the seemingly (I know, seemingly is still a marginal term) popularity of professional bicycle racing cropping up all over America race promoters are doing their best to put on races that resemble the one race that non-cycling fans recognize, the Tour de France. But, keep in mind, while most Americans recognize a race of this nature, they don't understand it. Any cyclist who's been asked to explain stage races to an innocent bystander knows what it feels like to watch a blank expression wash over someones face as you talk. It's impossible to say the least.

None the less, I get it. A bike race leading with the word "Tour" is going trigger warm, fuzzy, Lance Armstrong memories for the laymen. And, I'm perfectly fine with all these promoters actually putting together these "Tour" races with 5 or 6 stages. Mostly I like this because I feel sorry for domestic pros who just have to race insanely dangerous crits all year in places like Athens where they actually have a "Crash Corner" in front of a bar where the drunks get their entertainment. But I digress.

With the announcement of a new stage race across upstate New York this year my problem with American stage racing jumped off my computer screen and hit me in the face. This new race is titled "Tour de New York." Why do American races feel the need to substitute to the word "de" instead of, well, "of?" Does throwing in this French/Spanish preposition give your race anymore legitimacy? I don't think so. California has managed to become the largest stage race in the US and they did this by taking the risky chance of using all English words in it's race's title, the Amgen Tour of California.

This small point sticks out to me as another stupid marketing scheme where American bike race promoters don't trust their fan base to support a race that isn't in some way connected to the races across the pond. And, it's not just stage races. Labor day weekend in San Francisco I went downtown to watch the "Giro di San Francisco." This title was clearly meant to resemble the "Giro d'Italia" which, for those of you not in the know, is the Tour de France of Italy. But, the Giro di SF was a crit. It lasted one hour for the pros. Nobody that showed up to watch, at least intentionally, was fooled by the name. And calling it something oddly Italian didn't make non cyclist show up for a bit of culture.

When I started writing this I thought it'd be nice and short. I guess I was wrong. However, my point is simple. American race promoters should be applauded for their efforts in bringing more bike racing to the US. Especially more stage racing. But, until they stop trying to hide the titles of their races behind something that sounds like it might have taken place in Europe, that applause has to come in a golf clap style.

Internet Addiction

Tomorrow, Friday, 10/3 will mark exactly two weeks that my home internet connection has been down. At first this was simply annoying, but now it has grown into a complete hassle and expensive inconvenience. Due to the fact that my job doesn't start until next week I have no work internet to get on and check email, facebook, blogs, other things that keep me connected to my world. Instead, my only option is to use coffee shops with "free" internet. It's not really free because you have to buy something from the coffee shop in order to sit there and occupy space. The first couple of days I spread out my coffee shop visits, but was still trying to get online at least twice a day because to be honest, I'm pretty addicted to the aforementioned avenues of internet connection. I quickly realized how expensive even buying just a small coffee was going to be and whittled my coffee shop appearances down to just once per day, in the mornings. So, by doing the simple math of adding up the amount I've paid in coffee and the occasional scone over the past two weeks I have spent almost $30 for about two hours per day of internet. Comcast is cheaper for the entire month of unlimited internet access. With no apparent sign of when I will get the internet back in my apartment I am left with this stupid routine of coffee shop visits in order to fill the daily need of the internet. And, since my roommate has decided to take all of the responsibility for those services I am left with my hands tied behind my back or maybe more accurately to my wallet as I pull out cash for shitty coffee until the problem is resolved. I understand the coffee shop isn't here to provide me with internet service, but would it be too much ask for a decent cup of overpriced joe?